HOW TO CREATE REAL INTIMACY: WHAT REAL INTIMACY IS AND WHY IT MATTERS
We all have the desire to connect.
In fact, we as humans are hardwired for connection. Intimacy forms the basis for connection. Although people often use intimacy and sex interchangeably, they are not synonymous. Intimacy is not merely about the words we say nor is it solely about sex. Intimacy is not only reserved for our partner(s) but something we can experience with friends, a close community, and/or family. Real intimacy extends beyond physical closeness with romantic and sexual partners. Many of us have experiences of being in a romantic relationship or having sex with other people and still not experiencing more than the surface of intimacy.
So what exactly is real intimacy?
Real intimacy is expansive. It’s about closeness, connection, and familiarity. You can’t have it without being intentional– it’s consensual, and gives a sense of belonging. It can build over time as trust in a relationship grows, deeper bonds are developed, and common interests are discovered. You and another developed this feeling through trust, time, vulnerability, connection.
Most importantly you get to decide what it means to you and the other person(s) in the relationship.
Maybe you have just met a new friend and you feel immediately connected to their soul and dive right into deep conversations.
Or maybe you feel like a stranger in your own home where you live with a long term partner, all intimacy gone.
It is not merely time or physical proximity that indicates real intimacy but the feelings on a soul level.
To start creating real intimacy in your life, here are the steps that I use when working with my private clients.
An important note: When I use the word partner(s) I specifically mean another person/persons in the intimate relationship with you. This partner could be a best friend, a trusted mentor, spouse, parent, sibling, etc.
Step One: Get curious about what real intimacy is and decide what you want real intimacy to look like.
You get to define your own version of intimacy. What I can tell you is that intimacy is not limited to romantic or physical relationships. Intimacy is beautiful in its expansiveness.
What I tell my clients to do is start by asking themselves these questions:
How would you define intimacy?
Are your current intimate relationships in alignment with what you want real intimacy to look like in your life?
Where do you think your definition comes from?
What experiences, social messages, upbringing, education, schooling, media etc have informed how you define intimacy.
Step Two: Reflect on whether or not what you want intimacy to look like in your life is reflected in your actual relationships.
This can be a scary question to ask yourself—my coaching clients often find they need to sit with this for a while.
Sometimes what we think intimacy is and how we want intimacy to look like in our lives is not in alignment.
Let's say that you know you define it as mostly physical - with yourself or your partners. And you're curious as to why you're not experiencing that in your life. You see that it's out of alignment. So there needs to be some sort of shift either with your expectation and your definition of intimacy or perhaps within that relationship in and of itself.
Oftentimes, I work with clients who come to me with concerns of pain with penetration, low desire, low libido, and really struggling with the fact that they're not experiencing intimacy with their romantic and/or sexual partner(s) and that is something that they want! So it's not just about defining what real intimacy is to you, but also checking to see if you are living in alignment with that definition? AND your definition and wants may not be in alignment with your partner(s) definition and alignment. As my mom always said, “you don’t know, if you never ask.”
So how do you go about starting that conversation and really getting to the bottom of what you want and how to live that out through action?
I have my clients ask themselves if the reality of your relationships is in alignment with what you want intimacy in your life to look like. If it is, how? If it is no, why not? Identify if there are things/barriers within your control that could be getting in the way of experiencing or improving intimacy with yourself or others.
Be curious. Be honest.
Step Three: To create real intimacy, you must be vulnerable and courageous in allowing yourself to be seen and known.
To create real intimacy you must bring your full self forward.
Real intimacy is a deep connection between people - you have to be real, authentic, and disclose parts of yourselves in this process.
Annnd that means being vulnerable and courageous.
*If you get tripped up at this step, I have the perfect service for you!
Before you can be close with others, you need to know yourself!
You really need to know who you are and how you want to exist in this world.
Let’s be real, it’s not helpful when developing intimate relationships nor is it kind to ask somebody to become closer to us if we are still hiding parts of ourselves. So this doesn't mean you need to be completely transparent and tell everyone every thought you've ever had. But this does mean that you know YOU and you know which person(s) you want to develop deeper connections with and then, as trust builds, you can choose to disclose more and more parts of you.
I often find that my clients have limitations in developing deeper levels of intimacy with people they want to or are in partnership with because they are hiding parts of themselves. Since real intimacy is based on closeness, familiarity, and connection, it is vital to be your full self (of course, after you feel safe and trust).
The right people want to know you - whether that is your family, friends, partners, or peers!
The courageous part though, is you being vulnerable in sharing parts of your authentic self
This is especially true for marginalized, queer, and/or gender expansive folks, who have been told since a really young age who they are and who they are not. That can make a person completely lose a hold over who they are at their core. The depth of work it takes to uncover who you are, enough to share that with others, is part of this early step.
Often there are layers, complexities, and barriers to finding out who you are, knowing yourself, and being vulnerable and courageous enough to share that with someone else.
Some questions my clients and you might ask yourself are:
Are you letting yourself be seen and known?
Do you know who you are?
Do you feel comfortable within your relationships to be known?
You may need to step back and look at who you are.
Gentle nudge: you need to know yourself in order to disclose yourself to others and build intimacy. If you’re wanting to explore this area of yourself, click here.
Being vulnerable and courageous to fully show up as ourselves and share ourselves with others, not only fosters deeper relationships but also models and gives permission for the other person to disclose as well.
An important note: I do not mean that everyone deserves to know all of you! Only those who you trust, deem safe, and have mutual relationships with deserve to know the real YOU!
Step Four: Communicate and engage with the person(s) you wish to be more intimate with.
It takes more than one person for a relationship to deepen.
You have to communicate with the person you want to be more intimate with.
Maybe you know you want a work colleague to be more of a personal friend. You know you're going to have to just ask ‘hey do you want to hang out outside of work’? ‘Hey you think we'd be really cool friends? Let's do this!’ Actually state what you want!
This is a really big part, especially when making new friends as adults. We have a hard time initiating or even knowing someone else is trying to initiate a friendship as adults - it’s so scary and vulnerable. I don’t know about you, but for most of my clients andmyself, we rarely know if someone is flirting with us, let alone knowing if they want to be friends! We have to be open about our intent to be friends! Tell the people!
Questions I often ask my clients at this step:
Is this person trustworthy?
Are they a safe person for you to disclose to?
It is vital to first know yourself and then to trust yourself. Listen to your body, mind, and intuition. This will help you answer those questions.
The way we do life nowadays - it is so easy to go through the motions. We are so busy and without time to rest, play, experience pleasure and joy, and/or connect with others. It definitely encourages the breakdown of intimacy. Have you been in a relationship where after a while it feels like you and your partner(s) are more like roommates who co-exist in the same house and life rather than romantic partners? Or have you outgrown a friendship where you two no longer have any common interests or only have superficial common interests like going to the bar together, watching sports games, etc?
All too often, we may be experiencing artificial intimacy in our relationships - the ones where we see each other often, participate in many life activities together (parenting, running a household, caring for pet, etc.) but are not mentally and/or emotionally present. Artificial intimacy is not fulfilling and does not feed our souls or sense of belonging.
This is where I help my clients see that sharing authentically and wholeheartedly and communicating effectively with their partner deepens intimacy with ease.
Step Five: Embrace small, natural actions to incorporate real intimacy in your daily life and deepen your connections.
So this is one of my favorite parts! Small natural actions.
This could be inviting a friend to lunch, asking your parents if they want to come over and have a picnic and you actually talk about things. Going for a walk in the park and holding hands and you know really discuss what intimacy feels like. I've had some clients that feel like one of the most intimate things they can do with somebody is to sit and read aloud to each other and have story time out loud. A lot of people are so self-conscious about reading out loud and so you know that it's them being open and vulnerable.
We also have to realize that there is the possibility of somebody not receiving that or perhaps the person may not want to be in a deeper or closer relationship with you and that's a hard pill to swallow. It's sad and it's something that you'll grieve and work through and move on. But really building that intimacy stems from small daily actions.
You know one of my clients, when she gets in the car in the morning and her husband has filled her gas tank feels like one of the most special things. She feels seen – and you can only be seen by people you have real intimacy with. That is intimacy - it's a surprise and it's something you might not think of but to have it done is so nice. Maybe for you, it’s going out to a movie or cuddling on a couch or even having your hand pet or massaged, or a light hand on the thigh to your partner when you're out in public – those all can be small, tiny, moments that build intimacy. But I would encourage you to go back to step four and step three to really build communication so that you are building intimacy with reciprocity.
Some more examples of this could look like…
Reading aloud to each other in the evenings instead of watching tv
Discovering new activities together
Asking each other how you really feel
Sharing stories from childhood
Being honest with struggles in life with people you trust
Check in on important things happening in your partner(s)/friends/families lives and take a genuine interest in the answers.
Step Six: Cultivate Intimacy
Cultivating intimacy means not only modeling to others how you want intimacy to be in your life and relationships but also creating a safe space in turn for them to be their full, authentic selves without judgment, shame, or bias.
A lot of people have a hard time being intimate, authentic and transparent because they're worried what other people are going to think based on who they are and how they show up and so they mask. They hide parts of themselves. They only disclose a little bit.
Remember, that's not to say that you need to trust everybody and you need to be your full self with everybody. But for those relationships that are important to you, it is key to be your real authentic self and show up as that. And then you must offer that same space in return. So let's say somebody comes to you and says ‘you know it feels like I want to tell you that it's really scary to read aloud, but I want to read aloud to you.’ You know you need to hold space for that. So when they're reading, you don't laugh. You don’t correct them. Just listen. Be kind. Because with intimacy it's a relational closeness. You can't expect somebody to reciprocate being open and authentic and disclosing themselves if you are not a safe person for them to do that with.
Be present with your loved ones, family, and friends.
Step Seven: Get comfortable with checking in with yourself, your people, and most importantly get comfortable with holding the balance between autonomy/independence and connection
It’s important when building intimate relationships, that you do not fully lose yourself (‘round back to top because you need to know yourself).
There is a delicate balance between togetherness and independence. Having a strong sense of both improves the other. While it may seem contradictory to deepening intimacy, closeness, and togetherness - it is actually a beautiful paradox of love and intimacy that when we learn how to hold the tension and the differences between both it creates a beautiful connection. So there's this wildly difficult balance that we hold with intimacy and as humans we have this desire to connect. But we also have a desire to be autonomous and independent and when we can balance the tension between the two. Such a beautiful relationship can form from that balanced tension.
Something that's really important with intimacy is that we need to be our full authentic selves and if we have lost our full authentic selves for a relationship then is it really an intimate relationship? You were no longer being your most authentic present self!
What I ask of my clients is to reflect, to check in with themselves and with their partners making sure their needs are being met, making sure their partners needs are being met. There is going to be a delicate balance. There's going to be times for you to be an autonomous, independent person.
Someone might feel like they're losing that deep or close connection and so having those honest conversations to say ‘no’. This actually builds intimacy and closeness – for me when I'm able to step away and do things that I love that I can share with you later. It's holding that beautiful delicate balance, but between the opposites of autonomy and connection when they are balanced, they create the most beautiful connection
If we abandon ourselves completely in the name of intimacy, we cannot truly experience intimacy.
With self-abandonment we are no longer our true selves which in turn does not allow us to be seen or known, creating a barrier to connection.
Remember, real intimacy allows you to be fully, authentically yourself and trust that the other you’re in relationship with is safe and secure. Repeated experiences of safety, connection, closeness, and repair deepens our sense of confidence, self-worth, and belonging. Strengthening this skill allows us to engage in the world and with others with a relatively safe/secure base to take risks and try new things.
If things feel off there tends to be an imbalance in how you feel, think, or behave. Make small adjustments if necessary and communicate with the person!
